Ninety for 90

My Aunt Addie is turning 90 in April. To celebrate this milestone, her kids arranged for each of the 90 days preceding her birthday to be marked with a unique gesture of love from one of her kin. I am one of the privileged members of my extended family to be invited to do so - and I say privileged because 1) I adore her and 2) there are waaayyy more than 90 people in my family to choose from. We are a proper and prolific Irish clan.

Aunt Addie has always been on short my list of people who I want to be when I grow up. My earliest memories of her involve big family gatherings in Madison, Nebraska, and how she and my Aunt Helen were in the center of it all, coordinating the feeding, caring and oversight and sleeping arrangements of a ton of hungry cousins.

In addition to raising large families, they were both nurses. I remember how competently and efficiently they managed the day when their mother (my Grandma McGill) had a stroke. I was in my early teens and pretty honked about not being able to play the cool organ Aunt Addie had in her house because they were trying to keep things quiet for Grandma. (Sorry, Grandma.) Once, my younger brother Steve was with her in a restaurant and they ordered coffee. When the waitress poured and Aunt Addie took a sip, the war-horse nurse in her came out when she said, "Oh, I could VOID coffee warmer than this." I think Steve spit his out when she said that, but it was such typical stuff from her. Aunt Addie kicks ass. A few years ago she went to see my Dad in the hospital. He was whining about wanting to go home. Once approved, she put him in her car and took him back to his assisted living facility, got out her walker and made the long trip to his room with him, got him settled and adjusted his catheter, grabbed her walker and made the long trek back to her car. (She later told one of my siblings that she wished his room was closer to the entrance.)

Aunt Addie was widowed early, but she pushed right on and maintained. She was the first one in the car for a trip to the casino, and still is - she loves to gamble. She makes it to family events, keeps track of who was who and does it all with astonishing humor and good grace. One of the best parts of going home to see my family is a trip to Madison to see her. I could sit at her kitchen table and listen to her for hours. She radiates wisdom, humor and good times.

My most precious memory of her is when Mom was in the hospital /hospice with pancreatic cancer. They cousins brought her out to Lexington so she could see her sister one more time and I was sitting in Mom's room when Addie arrived. Mom was pretty narc'd up at that point, but when Addie came in she raised her arms and thickly murmured, "Oh AAahhhdiiiee." Addie sat on the bed and held her little sister and talked to her, touched her face and the love was so unabashed and naked I had to look away. I've never witnessed such strength in my life. I weep now as I am writing this, remembering her grace, how she didn't lose it, she didn't cry, she just poured out such love and kindness and goodness. I'm sure she cried a river of tears later, but those last moments they had together were spectacularly beautiful. We should all be so lucky.

Back to the matter at hand - what am I going to do for my "Ninety for 90"? I thought about doing several different things, but many have already been done. She's had cakes, pies, flowers, phone calls. Chicago White Sox memorabilia, gift cards, lunches and dinner out - all kinds of great stuff. Since the economy is sour, one person minted her a trillion-dollar bill . She took it to the Senior Citizens lunch and presented it to pay for her meal. (They didn't have enough change.) Oh, and did I mention she is hand writing proper thank you notes to each of us for her gifts? She is grace personified. Wish her a happy birthday!

 

The Advent of Advent

Even thought I still have to cope with idiots who do not know the meaning of Advent - I like Advent.  It begins on Sunday and is a familiar ritual involving  lit candles and a winter cleaning of the soul. I find myself taking inventory of the past year, what went down (vs. what did not -  like my weight) and thinking about what I want to do with the time I have left. Face it, at my age I know I have less time ahead of me than I do behind me and I'm good with that.  I'm tired, for Pete's sake, but I still want to make sure I use that time wisely and well.

I'm also busy making Christmas gifts because 1) I like to, and 2) all funds are delegated to paying bills and utilities.  I have a place  in the family room all cleared out for a Christmas tree - we can pick up a small one for very little and I have a need to get back to trimming a real tree that smells good, sheds needles - the works.  I like the long observance of Advent and slower Christmas.   I've never been one for the  Black Friday or Cyber Monday sales frenzy even when I did have money to shop.  I just don't particularly like shopping.  It seems a waste of time to me and is often very frustrating.  I like simple things, good lines, fine fabric and appreciate a nice seam finish. Try finding that these days.

Maybe that is why I can spend hours embroidering wool felt and watching Christmas movies.  Every ornament is unique, every movie gets better with another viewing.  Right now I'm watching ELF on an endless loop.  There are more good one-liners in that movie than in almost any other Christmas movie.  This past Sunday was the Downtown Santa Parade and while Santa looked pretty authentic sitting on top of the fire department's ladder truck, I knew it wasn't the REAL Santa and it was all I could do to not yell out, "YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES!"

Slow down and enjoy the season. Life outside of the usual frantic holiday circus is pretty sweet and makes for better memories.

 

Timely Seasonal Decking

This morning I was in the basement scouring through cobwebs and boxes for some Christmas tree lights for use at the store. We're setting up a little half-tree and planning the Christmas merchandising of ornaments. Now before you start whining about "Christmas aaaaallllreaaaadddyy?" I have one thing to say: shut up.  It's eight weeks away and frankly it's about time you all learned how retail works.

There is a certain amount of square footage in stores designated as "seasonal". There is nothing else to go in that spot (otherwise it would be already somewhere else in the store.) Consequently, some stores put out their seasonal merchandise pre-seasonally because otherwise it would be a big empty space where dust, dead bugs and live spiders collect.  Want to see that when you are shopping? Probably not. (It also makes the store look like it is going out of business when it is not.) Many stores have no space to store freight so as it comes in it goes right out on the shelves.  It doesn't make sense to wait and put out the winter coats on December first when the snow flies early in November - they go out in September when people are thinking and planning ahead.  Please note:  You are not at any point in your life forced to look at or purchase anything in the seasonal section so walk on by and get to whatever it is you need. ( BTW, if you shop to kill time, you need a life. )

Back to the tree lights.

While rummaging around in the basement I saw lots of lovely things I used to put up for Christmas.  I remembered my "To Tree or Not to Tree" dilemma and made a decision:  I'm going to start decking.  Not immediately - I have a home-grown pumpkin and gourds on my mantle and I like that.  We haven't had a hard frost or a warm fire yet, so I'm not completely off the reservation.  However, I am planning on spending some time in the basement this week, sorting it all out and planning what will go where.  I'm going to put it up and ENJOY looking at it all through November and December. I'm going to decorate the dining room, the family room, our bedroom and the kitchen.  I have all of these beautiful things that make me happy to look at - what purpose do they serve in boxes downstairs? Some of them have been down there in the dark so long I have forgotten about them. (Hey, new stuff!) Thanksgiving,  my favorite holiday, falls in the middle of it all and gives me a perfect opportunity to stop and inventory the past year and count the many blessings, people and gifts in my life.

Today is our 24th wedding anniversary but Joe is at a City Council meeting tonight so there won't be moonlight and roses and that is ok.  Tomorrow night we're planning to get Chinese food & crack open a very good bottle of champagne  and watch our wedding video.  We haven't watched it in about 20 years - at first it was old hat, but eventually we stopped watching because as we lost family members and other loved ones we just couldn't bear to look at them without weeping.

Too often I plod through the days and weeks and seasons and think about "next year, next time."  It feels like it's time now.  I may be dissolved in tears through much of the wedding video but we both want to look back and remember the day - and laugh at the bad 80's hair and shoulder pads.  I will probably get weepy unfolding the Christmas table runner Mom made but I want it out and on display - it is gorgeous.

It is time.

To Tree or Not to Tree

Along with the  Feast of the Epiphany comes the time to take down the Christmas decorations, dispose of the tree, and ....wait.

We didn't have a tree.

To be honest we haven't decorated a tree in 10 years. I can remember exactly how long because Mom died mid-November, 2001 and that Christmas kind of came....and went.  I've always loved having a Christmas tree - a REAL tree - as the centerpiece of the house during the season. I have lots of vintage ornaments from the 40's and 50's that are either from Joe's childhood or those I've collected and found.  LOVE them. So why the 10 year drought on Christmas trees?

I have thought about it at great length and cannot come up with a reasonable answer.  We are both tied up at the store most nights through December so  it seems silly to come home exhausted at 9PM, plug in the tree, be awake for another half hour and then unplug the tree, crawl upstairs and fall into bed. This year I wasn't working 2 jobs and was actually home to enjoy the tree in broad daylight....but I still didn't do it.

I'm a little honked about that because thee best time of the year is the week between Christmas and New Year's.  There is a stillness that settles over everything. Joe is home by 5:15PM (heavens!) and we can have meals that are 1) hot and 2) at a normal hour. We settle in with whatever we are reading, watch a movie - just like the normal people do.  It's the best. It's also the time we used to just soak up the tree and the lights and gently mellow in to the whole holiday atmosphere.

That's it.  I think the reason I'm feeling such post-holiday "meh" is because I didn't have that week of peace and simplicity and have not had it in 10 years.  I'm ready to have it back. Earlier today I even thought about buying a tree and setting it up and dragging the ornament box upstairs from the basement. Hell, I'd do it if there was a tree left to be bought. (I even eyeballed the ones out in back  to see if one of those could be surreptitiously cut down and dragged in to the house. What the hell, the election is over and the police won't go out there to stop the mobs of underage teenage drinkers with bonfires, are they gonna mess with a menopausal woman on a quest?) Hmmm. It's a thought.

PS - Don't tell me about fake trees, how "good" they look and how you can't tell the difference.  They don't and I can.  I want the real thing, the fragrance, the dropping needles, the whole ball of wax. This year, this December - I'm going to have it.

Unexpected Treasures

The great 1st-time-ever SWAP fun continues.   I'd almost forgotten that I would be the recipient of a swap gift when it arrived yesterday and  I was thrilled. I'd seen sneak previews on the Flickr page and coveted the hell out of the beautiful journal  (done in a fav fabric line) but did not think I'd be the lucky recipient. Squeee! Tammy (from Texas) is another incredibly talented person with a blog and an ESTY shop.  How do these women do it????  I can't even find  my good camera, but the shots below are a peek at Tammy's lovely handiwork.

[gallery link="file"]

BONUS - I also received an exquisite, hand-made ornament from my very talented craftsman-friend at Quiltboxes. (It's the center picture above.) I'm already the proud owner of one of his fantastic QuiltBoxes. It has a place of honor on my dresser (I wrote about it here) and this lovely ornament will probably hang from my pediment mirror because I'm sure as heck not hiding it in a box until next Christmas.

All of the above to say that the most wonderful gifts are those made by human hands.  I'm amazed and awed by the creative talent in the world.   We've lost so much of our humanity by paying for things with money we can't see, downloading books or records we can't actually touch or hold - it makes me feel we are slipping down a hole into a dark, solitary place. There is no finer present than one we can hold and feel and use and sense the good intentions and kindness  (and talent) of the person who made the gift. It adds an entirely new - and spiritually valuable - dimension to the gift.

Decking the Halls

Have a few hours at home this morning and thought I better get started decking my halls.  The feathered star above the mantel is actually a table runner my mother made, but I like it up here much better.  It's visually gorgeous and no one can spill anything on it!  The mantel  is a work in progress, but I like what I've got so far.

[gallery link="file" columns="2" orderby="ID"]

The quilt on the left is called "Reflections" and is another one of mom's wonderful quilts.  The piecing on it is just amazing - the work of the insane.  It is hanging in my Dad's room so he can see it from his bed.  I'm not sure if he knows what it is or remembers who made it, but I like the idea of him having something beautiful to look at and that it was made by someone he loved - and who loved him - so very much.

The GO BIG RED Nebraska plate was an early gift from Santa - I LOVE IT, and it will be up and around through the Big 12 Championship  game this Saturday, and for the bowl game season.

Turkey Wars

Strap on your party livers, it's Thanksgiving week - the beginning of the "best in eating" season EVER.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday - it's mellow, it is easy (anyone can roast a turkey) and it combines leftover turkey sandwiches, football, and napping on the couch.  It is the trifecta of relaxation.  I understand there are some universal  issues that come up around this time, so I'll go ahead and clear things up for everyone.

1. The toilet paper should unroll over the TOP for easy access.  You're welcome.


2. Stuffing or dressing?  Not worth an argument, either one will suffice.  It is more important that you pay attention to the ingredients than what you insist on calling the finished product.  Purists will call what is cooked inside the turkey "stuffing" and what is cooked outside the turkey "dressing."   What do I call it?  The main reason for roasting a turkey.

What goes in the stuffing (or dressing)  is of paramount importance, and the source of many arguments, family discord and marital stress. Everyone likes THEIR family recipe, whatever they grew up with.  (I have noted this phenomenon also occurs around how to make potato salad.)  It is understandable, but there are entire generations that insist on putting oysters, raisins, cranberries, apples - you name it and  people use it to ruin the centerpiece of the meal.

My husband's mother was Sicilian and  not clear on the concept of  Thanksgiving.   She called it the Festa della Toyko (phonetically and loosely translated as "the feast of the turkey").  She stuffed the turkey with a mixture of ground beef, rice, and sugo (sauce).   My husband adored it and still tries to recreate it every Thanksgiving.  (It is never placed inside the turkey  or anywhere near my mouth, I can tell you that right now.)  Living in New England, there are an abundant number of locals who make cornbread stuffing (I am not making this up) and think it is "normal."   Whatever. Again, it is what you grew up with that makes the holiday.  (Many people grew up with not brushing their teeth regularly either, but that does not make it right. Just sayin'.)

Here is how I make my stuffing:   I wash out the turkey, removing the packets of giblets, neck, etc.  All of the bits and pieces go into a large pan on the stove where I add water, an onion, celery, and seasonings.   This needs to simmer gently for at least an hour, maybe longer (usually until the movie on TV is over.)  I find the hand written recipe from my mother, take out the large yellow pyrex bowl (that made a thousand batches of this, birthday cakes, etc.) and read through the recipe just for love.  I don't need to see it, it is engraved in my head, but I love looking at her handwriting.  Bonus - it gives me a feeling like she is still here with us, looking over my shoulder.

I melt the butter in a large skillet, remembering my mother's hand-written admonishment, "damnit Jo, don't let it burn!" and saute the finely chopped onion and celery until it is lightly translucent.  Then I start tossing it with the cubed, stale bread, adding sage, poultry seasoning, a little salt, and moistening the whole batch with the broth made from the turkey trimmings.   At this point I remove a portion of the stuffing to a separate bowl - this is the "stuffing" batch - and continue adding a little more broth to the "dressing" portion.  It needs more moisture as it is being cooked outside the bird.  Then I hit a sheet of heavy aluminum foil with non-stick spray and lay out the remaining dressing and shape it like a long, thinnish loaf.  This way you can slide it in to the oven alongside the roasting pan and it "fits" the space without needing to make room for a blocky casserole dish.   When the turkey is finished, I combine the stuffing with the dressing and THEN put it in a covered casserole dish and put it back in the oven while the turkey is resting.

I am experimenting with adding a beaten egg to the mixture, it is supposed to "puff it up" but I'm not getting that sense just yet.   I really do love this centerpiece dish,  it makes the meal and also makes a leftover turkey sandwich even better (yes, I do eat it cold.)  However you make it and whatever you call it, enjoy.  Even with all that is going on in our homes, our cities, our country and the world, we still have more than most.  Give thanks for that abundance.  (And for pete's sake, don't screw up the stuffing/dressing.)

Stay-In-Your-Nightgown Monday

Design Wall Monday has been preempted by Stay in your Nightgown Monday. The 2010 Lowell Quilt Festival is in the history books and I'm taking a day to decompress.  While the festival closed on Saturday, the museum is open on Sunday and it's one of my 'regular' work days.  I woke up Sunday morning wishing I could take a roll of duct tape and strap a couple of puffy pillows on my feet and call them shoes.  (Probably  not advisable to attempt the  one-hour commute with pillows strapped to my feet. )  I could also use an IV drip of ibuprofen for sore muscles. Bonus - I'm sporting a large BUO (bruise of unknown origin) on my right forearm, pretty attractive since it is too hot to wear anything with long sleeves. Really attractive.  Yes,  today I need to stay home in my nightgown and just.....cocoon.

Between the ramp up to the festival and the actual three-day extravaganza the days are long and the hours are demanding.  A good friend managed to get me two nights at a very reduced rate at a Holiday Inn near the festivities.  I'm never one to complain about hotels (I think we stayed in one twice during my entire childhood) but I think I'll be writing the management on a few issues.  Namely the following:

1. Why do you put the coffee pot in the bathroom?  DO NOT  put the coffee pot in the bathroom.  Do you have any idea how gross and disgusting that is? I get the dry heaves just remembering it  and I don't need to pay for the privilege.


2. Touch up paint.  Buy it in bulk and apply it generously because  it makes a big difference.  Lotta bang for the buck.


3. Put a sign in the hallway that says, "Unattended children who repeatedly  run screaming up and down the hallway will be shot on sight."  If you don't have the stones to do it, leave a BB gun in my guest bathroom.    (Hey - then you could move the coffee pot to the far corner desk in the sleeping area.  Think about it.)


4. Doors to the room should not only lock securely but they should be actually CLOSED.  This picture shows  (I turned off the room lights) just how much room was between the door and the door jamb.  Color me paranoid but I don't feel all that secure when you could swing a cat through the crack in the door.  The one along the bottom  was even bigger.  (Note: apparently not big enough for them to slide a copy of my bill beneath it (enabling rapid checkout) but I'm guessing big enough to slide under  a Sunday edition of a newspaper without having to expend much effort.) Just sayin'.

All of that and more is why today is going to be just for me.  I'm tired - mentally and physically.  I need to be left alone for a while.  I want to soak up some quiet and take a ridiculously long shower and do girlie stuff like scrubbing and buffing and putting nice moroccanoil on my feet and sliding them in to clean, cotton socks.  I want to be pink and fresh and centered.   I'm going to snooze, read, pad around in my socks and let the world turn without me. I'm always better after I do, and that makes life easier for everyone around me.

PS - I will also be enjoying as many cups of coffee as I like, from my coffee pot that is not located remotely close to a toilet.

The Final 2 in "52 of 52" - The Birthday Edition

Happy Birthday to me!  And happy 100th blog post!  I've only been doing this for about 7 months and I've had about 4000 visitors.  How is THAT for bonkers!

The final 2 of the 52  great things about being 52 are not necessarily the most important but they are the ones I notice most often in my everyday life:

1. The global village - the world is so completely connected by media and news outlets our access to anywhere  is almost 100%.   At this very point in my life, the smallest thing that happens a world away can be known instantly throughout the planet.  This is both good and bad.  It is bad because somehow the mindless minutia of celebrity chasing has become reportable news on TV news programs and newspapers I used to respect. The art of true  journalism is dead.   It is good because in the event of serious news, we are almost instantly informed and can take action. Think back to WWII when people waited weeks for letters or news.  Today the awareness and gathering of resources & aid for the earthquake in Haiti began immediately - the DAY OF the earthquake.


2. Social Norms - I have lived to see changes in social norms that I never would have dreamed possible.  I grew up in a town of 6000 in the middle of Nebraska.  (In the dictionary, under "sheltered life" it says,  " see Jo Major." )  I grew up in a town full of Fagots.  Meg Fagot was my little  sister's best friend, Janelle Fagot was my older sister's best friend, and Craig Fagot was the hunky basketball player a few years ahead of me in high school.  We had NO IDEA that "Fagot" was a disparaging (and particularly hateful) insult.  None whatsoever. It was just another last name in a small town full of people.  How is that for an eye opener.  It does bring to mind the lyrics of that song from South Pacific about prejudice:

You've got to be taught
To hate and fear,
You've got to be taught
From year to year,
It's got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade,
You've got to be carefully taught.

You've got to be taught before it's too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate,
You've got to be carefully taught!

That goes for a lot of things - for racial diversity, for sexual orientation, for class differences.  What changes we have seen! One of the things I least like about living in the provincial East is the "where did you go to college and who are your people" attitude which is practiced with an almost religious zeal by many of the natives. Your standing and status and worthiness are judged by those things.  I've learned to to see it for what it is - insecurity on the part of the questioner.  Meh.  Sometimes I tell the truth, sometimes I make up something like, "Oh  I went to a Home Economics  school in Nebraska where we learned to field dress a deer and can meat and jellies.  You know, wife stuff."

Aside from my two sisters (who I love more than my own life) I have always preferred the  company of men.  Women are frequently catty and bitchy and their own worst enemies.  My dearest and closest, most loving and supportive friends are all gay men. These guys are my rocks, my shelter, my loving, supporting, non-judgmental comrades on the final leg of my journey.  I have learned more from them, loved them more, and been loved by them more than any friends in my life.  It's like somebody saved the best wine for last, you know?  How great is that? Collectively, we are free to be open and who we are - and love who we love. It is a depth and  richness beyond belief.

Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." The  "52 for 52" has been an amazing exercise in examining my life, my world, what I have seen and lived through.  I have survived many things (like cancer and a spinal fusion), the loss of a parent, of friends and relatives and very young people.  I have seen monumental changes in science, society and technology.  I have been to places in the world I never dreamed of seeing.  AND I AM ONLY 52.

Can you imagine what the next years will bring?

I absolutely cannot wait - and I promise,   "60 for 60" is going to be a real pisser!

Ban Weddings on Holiday Weekends. Please.

Please, for the love of whomever you hold dear, do not schedule your wedding on a holiday weekend.

Honest. I mean it.

Do you have any idea how many people's long weekends have been  ruined because they know someone who thought the whole universe should come to a screaming halt and accommodate them? You are delusional if you really think everyone invited to your wedding is thrilled to be there (and I don't care where) for your special day.  They are just afraid to tell you.  They are afraid to say, "Listen, we work like dogs, we are tired, and we really look forward to these holiday weekends.  We want to be left in peace, to travel  where WE want to go (or stay home and lock the doors) and not have to spend the time and money to schlep to your wedding  and  sit through another three-day dog and pony show that passes for a wedding these days."

How do I know this? Besides being one of these people,  I live in a place where weddings are happening all the time -  especially around holidays.  I drive past the hotels and see the fatigued looks of your guests, a look that says, "I want to take off  this dress and high heels / suit and tie , pop open a cold one and relax.  RELAX.  Not sit there while you take 400 pictures, play a video of the bride getting her wedding hair done (and her mustache waxed) that morning, not wanting to hear the endless parade of  "and now the Father of the Bride will dance with the third cousin once removed.....".  They would honestly rather open a vein than view some PowerPoint presentation containing 800  photos of you and your beloved, dating from the cutting of your umbilical cords  to the present day.  I hear your guests  when they come in to my husband's store looking for a wedding card (or killing time)  and complaining about the "stupid wedding" and how "we could be up at (fill in the destination here) and enjoying ourselves."

Listen.  Seriously.   I've been going to weddings for a LONG time.  I even paid for my  books in college by singing at weddings, so  I have  been to more than most.  Here is my heartfelt, sincere and sober advice for how to insure a nice wedding:

1.  Do not schedule it on a holiday weekend.  If you need motivation, the surcharge your guests will have to pay on their  air travel and hotels will  definitely impact the quality of gifts you receive.

2.  Make up your guest list. Then cut it in half.  Honest, I already know you are over-inviting and I have never even met you.

3.  Look up the definition of a guest, and how they should be treated.   Really.  It's a concept 95% of weddings do not take into consideration. Email me if you need help with this one.

4.  Keep the church music in the church and the reception tunes at the reception.  Mixing them up (usually crappy pop songs in church) happens more often than you think. Additionally, it gives your guests douche chills.  I am going to burn in hell for singing Anne Murray songs at church weddings in the 80's, I just know it, but I needed the cash.

5.  If you are old enough and mature enough to stand before witnesses and take solemn vows promising your unending love and commitment, then you are too damn old to have stupid props and toys handed out by the DJ at the reception.  (Who, I guarantee you, is playing the music too damn loud.)  If your little friends can't make it through an evening without playing games and wearing stupid hats, rent them a party room at Chucky Cheese and stop by after the reception on the way to your hotel.

6.  Do not, under any circumstances, include those insipid bridal registry cards in your wedding invitations.  The retailers make them up BECAUSE THEY WANT TO MAKE MONEY.  It is tacky and vulgar and thoughtless. If your guests do not know you well enough to ask you where you are registered, please refer back to #2.  If you still  feel the need to dictate what your "guests" will give you, send them an invoice.  Then review #3 again.

7.  About the bridesmaid dresses - they will never, ever, EVER wear them again so just drop the BS and admit you are forcing them to buy some frothy, overpriced  piece of crap because you did it for their weddings.  A level playing field is best, and honesty is a good way to start a marriage.

8.  If you insist on wearing a sleeveless, strapless bridal gown that shows off acres of cleavage   and has some sort of  hooker-corset, lace up back, please have the decency to get a little satin jacket to wear  over your shoulders at the church.  There is nothing demurely bridal about coming up the aisle wearing something that  - in any other color - would look good next to a stripper pole.

There is more (um, much more) but we'll take baby steps here.  Thank you letting me speak for countless people who are this very weekend  trapped at holiday weddings.  They will never tell you these things.....but trust me, this is exactly what they are thinking.

Happy Valentines Day, Grandma!

I'm a little weary of the Valentines Day haters - those who whine and complain, say it is a holiday made up by card companies, that kind of thing.  ( It is remarkable to me that the same people who hate on this holiday will go to the time, extent, trouble and yes - spend money - sending anti-Valentines Day sentiments. Whassup with that?)

Yesterday at work, a man took a Valentine card off the rack and said to his wife, "Here, this is a Valentine for you. Now I'm going to put it back on the rack!"  He was serious.  I shook my head and thought, "oh boy, aren't you a treasure...."  Of course it isn't about if or  how much you spend, or mandatory card & gift giving. You celebrate  it because you want to, not because you have to.  And before I hear one more time - "Oh, I show my love every day,  I don't need a holiday to force me, " I say well, stupid, you are SUPPOSED to show it every day.  Some days that is more of a challenge than other days, as anyone who has been in a relationship of any kind lasting longer than 15 minutes can tell you.

My Grandma Emma died on Valentines Day many years ago, and it was perfect.  Let me explain - she was a very simple woman, who conceived and bore her children in the same bed, on a farm in Nebraska.  I remember asking her what it was like to give birth at home and she said, "Well, I just did my best, that was all we could do back then." She adored her husband, my Grandpa John, and she loved her Lord.  Grandma's mother died on a holiday - Easter - and she thought that was the most wonderful thing, that you could go to meet your Lord on Easter.  That's when she told me she wanted to die on a holiday.  My Grandpa John died years before she did, and she mourned and missed him profoundly.  When she did pass, I thought it would ruin Valentines Day forever, until I remembered her wish to die on a holiday.  What better day to be reunited with the great loves of her life - her husband and her Lord - than on Valentines Day?

Valentines Day is about love. Period.  All kinds of love - family, friends, pets, lovers, caregivers - all  should be celebrated and acknowledged in whatever manner you like. This acknowledgment of others will enrich your soul, and remind you to give yourself a "Valentine" of some sorts as well.  Here is my favorite Valentine, one my mother did up in calligraphy and I have it hanging in (yes) my bathroom.  I see it every morning and it reminds me every day to love myself in order to love others better.

Thomas à Kempis said, "Keep thyself in peace, and then thou wilt be able to bring others to peace.  Have a zeal, therefore, in the first place over thyself."