Robot Vomit on Wedding Invitations

You heard me.

"Enlightening" young engaged couples is apparently my lot in life. This happens because 1) my husband owns a stationery and gift shop and 2) I am hyper-vigilant about  the incredible lapse in civility, judgement, maturity, taste, and corresponding oceans of BS made manifest in twenty-first century weddings.

Today's case in point:  QR codes on wedding invitations.  For the uninitiated, QR (Quick Response) codes are a digitally generated, barf-like patches that look like this:

When viewed on a smart phone or android device (with the proper software installed) the device will "beep" and go to a website with more information about the product, project or whatever is being advertised.   Appropriate for some applications involving commerce, but weddings (as commerce related as they have become) are not an appropriate application.

Seriously, people are putting QR codes on their wedding invitations to "help" their guests learn ever so much more about THEIR SPECIAL DAY (TSD). While the average wedding guest already has to endure continuous updates on TSD, it seems to me that the first step is  a review of the invited guests and the whole procedure in general.

Having finished that, let's look at the reality of QR codes.  Any digital innovation is "state of the art" for approximately 15 minutes. Do you really want your wedding invitation to bear the visual equivalent of a leisure suit or Members Only jacket? Aside from looking just plain fugly, the entire concept is in keeping with the dumbing-down of civilized society.  "What do you mean, I have to actually READ something?" Why do I foresee a future when people will receive a wedding e-vite with a QR code or link to 1)RSVP, 2)select a gift from the bridal registry, 3) attend via SKYPE and 4) fart, scratch and go back to watching their movie without breaking a sweat or giving any actual thought to people involved?  Good heavens people, get your heads out of your digital asses already.

Bridal Etiquette and the Lack Thereof

It has been a while since my earlier installment of wedding and guest advice/etiquette.  I am reminded of this because as I wound my way around Gloucester's beautiful back shore this morning  I saw some of the hotels setting up those tell-tale white wedding chairs on the front lawn.  I felt sorry for all the people who had to spend the money to schelp to Gloucester only to find out that much of their holiday weekend would be spent not sitting on a beautiful beach, but  sweltering through yet another insufferably long and self-absorbed couple's wedding.

We used to do a booming business in printing formal wedding invitations at my husband's gift shop.  Now people do them on their computers.... you know, the same way you  would for a 3rd grader's birthday party.  As a 22 year veteran of marriage and about 20 years in business working with bridal invitations, I will take up my magic wand, put on my etiquette tiara and bestow some wisdom on engaged couples.

"Why do I have to have printed invitations?  Why can't I do them on my computer - people just throw them away anyway.  Besides,  an e-invite is greener and we really believe in that."

If you are sending invitations to people who are immediately throwing them in the trash you should probably not have invited them to your wedding in the first place, just sayin'.  Also - can you use that same argument about what to feed them?  After all, they are just going to poop it away the next day, so why spend the money on something delicious? Email invitations are lovely - if your guests like helping out Nigerian millionaires or need to buy prescriptions drugs in Mexico, because an emailed wedding invitation should go right in to the spam file.

We have been together for a long time and we just want money for wedding gifts.  How do we put that on the invitation, or let people know?

Send them an invoice.

My mom and my future mother-in-law don't want to wear (insert color here) for the wedding.  I have tried to tell them how important this is, but they say  they look terrible in that color and want to choose their dresses themselves. It's MY wedding and they should wear what I want them to wear, right?

No.   Google the earthquake in Japan, look at some pictures of starving children, check out the situation in Darfur. Those are real problems. These are grown women who are perfectly capable of dressing themselves and have done it for years. Shut up already.

Some of my bridesmaids need to lose some weight - and one of them has a bad dye job.  What is the best way to tell them what I need them to do to get ready for my wedding?

Tell them whatever you like, but follow it up with, "And I promise to get my tubes tied and never reproduce."  Knowing that the BS will die with you will help them grit their teeth and push through the day.

Do I have to write thank you notes?  I am very busy and my boyfriend absolutely refuses to help!

No, you do not have to write thank-you notes. Seriously.  Just return all the gifts. Problem solved!

Okay, but I want the gifts.  How about those pre-printed notes that say something lovely like, "Thank you for sharing our special day - Love  X and X " ?

Nice. Really? Nothing says "screw you" like a form letter. 

We want to have a really lovely dinner for our reception and we're a little nervous that people won't know how much to give to make sure the cost is covered. 

Okay, once again - send them an invoice.  Better yet,  contemplate the proper definition of "guest" and realize the dinner is your gift to them.  While I have your attention, whatever they choose to give you is their gift to you.  You will receive some lovely things, some not-so-lovely things.  The mark of maturity and true love is to acknowledge them with equal enthusiasm and grace.

Okay, that's enough for today.  I am fatigued by answering questions that have no place in civilized society.  Let's all work together to return to the days when weddings were a joyful occasion for everyone involved, m'kay?  Next time we'll talk about leaving your guests waiting for 3 hours while you go take your stupid pictures and show up at the reception half in the tank.