True or False with the Birthday Girl

Today is the big day - I knew I'd get a royal baby for my birthday, but damn - I wanted a GIRL.  Even knowing I wouldn't live to see her take the throne, I would have been content with knowing a female was finally in the line of succession.  (This is the kind of stuff English major's obsess over.)

I am now 55,  which seems very strange because mentally I feel about 42 or 43.... but enough about that, let's get to the list.  Since "with age comes wisdom," I am going to take another opportunity to clarify some of the OTHER conventional wisdom that is out there, and some of it about weddings because I so loathe what they have become and wish to straighten out as many people as I might.  

1. You are as young as you feel. 
False.  I think I'm 42, and I FEEL like I'm 93 and have spent the past 4 years in a cement mixer filled with broken glass and blunt instruments.

2. Outdoor summer weddings are wonderful. 
False.  I have a distinguished history of giving solid wedding advice and I bat a thousand when I say that outdoor summer weddings are anathema. Witness the vast number of white plastic chairs blistering in the summer heat at the shore hotels near my home.  Who in their right mind would make their guests go out and fry their asses in a humid, miserable sweat while the self-involved couple declares eternal love in badly written vows that drone on forever? Dear Bride and Groom:  I hope your presents suck.

3. Never go to bed angry.
False.  If you know and trust yourself, do whatever you like. Me? I know and trust myself, and I know that if we hadn't gone to bed good and angry a few times there would have been body bags at the curb the next morning.  Sometimes you need to retreat to neutral corners to calm down, cool off, and think about the problem. Harsh words said in anger are highly unlikely to be forgotten.

4.  Keep it simple. 
True. Simple is cleaner, clearer, less expensive and all around better.  St. Elizabeth Ann Seton once said, "Dress simply. It makes a pretty woman prettier and an ugly woman less noticeable."  Guest lists should ALWAYS be simplified. One bride complained (on the internet in front of God and everybody) that a full one-third of her wedding guests didn't send gifts. Earth to clueless bride: this indicates you invited a boatload of people who are 1) not friends, and 2) would have gladly stayed home.

5. You get what you pay for. 
Pretty much true. If I had a time machine I'd go back and buy really good shoes instead of the $9.95 Kmart sandals with high heels. It is probably the reason why I have a shoe wardrobe about about 5 pairs of shoes, all flats. I ruined my feet.
Same for clothes, furniture, the whole drill.  Quality and durability are never found bargain basement prices.

6. Measure twice, cut once. 
True. In construction and in quilting, truer words were never spoken. Ask anyone who has ever made a quilt to tell you about how they learned that lesson. Have some alcohol on hand because it gets pretty grim.

7. Slow and steady wins the race.
Pretty much always true.  I actually have a setting on my Bernina that caps me at 1/2 speed. I use it from time to time and it has always proven to be a wise move. It keeps me from screaming along when sewing long seams that need a consistent seam allowance of 1/4 inch.  That was not a typo - 1/4 inch.

8.  No pain, no gain. 
Pants on fire false. God made salty, buttered popcorn so we could gain and gain painlessly.

9. You look better with a tan.
True. Most people do.  However, there will come a point in time when your skin will sag and wrinkle and dehydrate and you will look a full 30 years older than you are. Case in point - I moved out here when I was 26 and took one look at the tan-every-summer matriarchs and bought a damn hat.  Never regretted it.  Spray-on tans if you must,  but the real thing will kill you with cancer and/or ugly.

10. A true friend will be with you for the good and bad times and love you through both. 
True beyond belief.  I think about that every year on my birthday and again on New Year's Eve.  I am ridiculously blessed with a great group of friends, and a smaller, inner circle made up of those who I know would run to help me in a crisis, keep any secret, call me on my BS, and constantly surprise me with their generosity.

So while the list of things I want for my birthday is long and boring (kitchen floor, storm doors on the front and back door, carpet torn out of the bedroom, paint for about 4 rooms) I really already have the gifts of a kick ass family,  priceless friends and a husband I adore. Bonus - my Mom once told me, "He looks at you like he made you from clay." Every time I tell him I love him, he shakes his head and says, "I love you more."
How can you ask for more than that?  Happy birthday to me.

Life in First Class

We have already established how I feel about weddings on holiday weekends so you can imagine my chagrin when I was invited to one such event held this past Memorial Day weekend. When the invitation arrived I felt confidently "off the hook" as the wedding was in Nashville. Case closed, right?

Wrong.  The bride's doting uncles wanted me along for the ride - and the fun - and proposed an all expense paid trip to "Nash-Vegas" for the wedding.  First-class airfare, hotel and EVERYTHING.  How can you say no to THAT?  I sure as hell could not  so I decadently packed a whole suitcase (not having to share space with Joe!) and learned the ways of First Class air travel.  It was like a dream.

The first stop was priority check in where I checked my big honkin' suitcase.... with no fee.  Walked down to the boarding area carrying my only my ticket and a big purse. Boarded first.  Sat in the first row (all 4 segments).  Was treated with courtesy and offered my choice of beverages and nibbles. (Sidebar - I don't drink on airplanes. Bummer.) (Sidebar II - I can't pee on airplanes. Seriously. TMI, I know. )

As a  25 year veteran of flying steerage I found the entire experience A-MAY-ZING. The worst, most hated part of taking a trip became positively pleasant. It made me think back to the long ago days when EVERYONE could check a bag - nay, 2 - without a charge.  When seats and spacing between rows was reasonable. When you could climb in and out of your coach seat without the use of WD-40, a crowbar and a colon compactor.

[caption id="attachment_2601" align="alignleft" width="300"] First Class Hat - Purchased in Nashville![/caption]

I am sure  my next trip will be absolutely miserable by comparison. I resent that. I don't expect the First Class experience with what I can afford but there were  aspects of this trip that were once commonplace to those of us who routinely do the walk-of-shame past the First Class passengers on our way back to the goat pens.

I don't fly much anymore because flying has become such an ORDEAL.  I never fly to New York anymore, I take the train. I'll take a train anywhere, even if it costs more and takes longer.  It's worth it. It is worth it in civility, personal space and fees.  It is especially worth it since you don't have to deal with nimrod TSA agents with a power complex.

The wedding?  The service was lovely and the bride stunningly beautiful. (She spent 2 summers here and I was the pseudo-Aunt).  The soloist sang Schubert's "Ave Maria" which usually reduces me to tears but since she totally American Idol'd it I was left more annoyed than moved. ( Luckily I managed to restrain myself and not stand up and beat a tempo on my leg and yell, "knock off the Mariah Carey shit, girl.")  When Laura came up the aisle on the arm of her Dad I flashed back to my own dear Dad taking that walk with me......and I burst into tears.  Bark-like-a-seal tears. Whatever.   Oh yes, do let me report that  Nashville had RECORD HIGH TEMPS the entire weekend and the reception was not air-conditioned.  Jeebus.  We survived, it was wonderful fun and we all had a fabulous time.  Nashville is a blast - I highly recommend a visit but do it in October or November.....

Robot Vomit on Wedding Invitations

You heard me.

"Enlightening" young engaged couples is apparently my lot in life. This happens because 1) my husband owns a stationery and gift shop and 2) I am hyper-vigilant about  the incredible lapse in civility, judgement, maturity, taste, and corresponding oceans of BS made manifest in twenty-first century weddings.

Today's case in point:  QR codes on wedding invitations.  For the uninitiated, QR (Quick Response) codes are a digitally generated, barf-like patches that look like this:

When viewed on a smart phone or android device (with the proper software installed) the device will "beep" and go to a website with more information about the product, project or whatever is being advertised.   Appropriate for some applications involving commerce, but weddings (as commerce related as they have become) are not an appropriate application.

Seriously, people are putting QR codes on their wedding invitations to "help" their guests learn ever so much more about THEIR SPECIAL DAY (TSD). While the average wedding guest already has to endure continuous updates on TSD, it seems to me that the first step is  a review of the invited guests and the whole procedure in general.

Having finished that, let's look at the reality of QR codes.  Any digital innovation is "state of the art" for approximately 15 minutes. Do you really want your wedding invitation to bear the visual equivalent of a leisure suit or Members Only jacket? Aside from looking just plain fugly, the entire concept is in keeping with the dumbing-down of civilized society.  "What do you mean, I have to actually READ something?" Why do I foresee a future when people will receive a wedding e-vite with a QR code or link to 1)RSVP, 2)select a gift from the bridal registry, 3) attend via SKYPE and 4) fart, scratch and go back to watching their movie without breaking a sweat or giving any actual thought to people involved?  Good heavens people, get your heads out of your digital asses already.

Bridal Etiquette and the Lack Thereof

It has been a while since my earlier installment of wedding and guest advice/etiquette.  I am reminded of this because as I wound my way around Gloucester's beautiful back shore this morning  I saw some of the hotels setting up those tell-tale white wedding chairs on the front lawn.  I felt sorry for all the people who had to spend the money to schelp to Gloucester only to find out that much of their holiday weekend would be spent not sitting on a beautiful beach, but  sweltering through yet another insufferably long and self-absorbed couple's wedding.

We used to do a booming business in printing formal wedding invitations at my husband's gift shop.  Now people do them on their computers.... you know, the same way you  would for a 3rd grader's birthday party.  As a 22 year veteran of marriage and about 20 years in business working with bridal invitations, I will take up my magic wand, put on my etiquette tiara and bestow some wisdom on engaged couples.

"Why do I have to have printed invitations?  Why can't I do them on my computer - people just throw them away anyway.  Besides,  an e-invite is greener and we really believe in that."

If you are sending invitations to people who are immediately throwing them in the trash you should probably not have invited them to your wedding in the first place, just sayin'.  Also - can you use that same argument about what to feed them?  After all, they are just going to poop it away the next day, so why spend the money on something delicious? Email invitations are lovely - if your guests like helping out Nigerian millionaires or need to buy prescriptions drugs in Mexico, because an emailed wedding invitation should go right in to the spam file.

We have been together for a long time and we just want money for wedding gifts.  How do we put that on the invitation, or let people know?

Send them an invoice.

My mom and my future mother-in-law don't want to wear (insert color here) for the wedding.  I have tried to tell them how important this is, but they say  they look terrible in that color and want to choose their dresses themselves. It's MY wedding and they should wear what I want them to wear, right?

No.   Google the earthquake in Japan, look at some pictures of starving children, check out the situation in Darfur. Those are real problems. These are grown women who are perfectly capable of dressing themselves and have done it for years. Shut up already.

Some of my bridesmaids need to lose some weight - and one of them has a bad dye job.  What is the best way to tell them what I need them to do to get ready for my wedding?

Tell them whatever you like, but follow it up with, "And I promise to get my tubes tied and never reproduce."  Knowing that the BS will die with you will help them grit their teeth and push through the day.

Do I have to write thank you notes?  I am very busy and my boyfriend absolutely refuses to help!

No, you do not have to write thank-you notes. Seriously.  Just return all the gifts. Problem solved!

Okay, but I want the gifts.  How about those pre-printed notes that say something lovely like, "Thank you for sharing our special day - Love  X and X " ?

Nice. Really? Nothing says "screw you" like a form letter. 

We want to have a really lovely dinner for our reception and we're a little nervous that people won't know how much to give to make sure the cost is covered. 

Okay, once again - send them an invoice.  Better yet,  contemplate the proper definition of "guest" and realize the dinner is your gift to them.  While I have your attention, whatever they choose to give you is their gift to you.  You will receive some lovely things, some not-so-lovely things.  The mark of maturity and true love is to acknowledge them with equal enthusiasm and grace.

Okay, that's enough for today.  I am fatigued by answering questions that have no place in civilized society.  Let's all work together to return to the days when weddings were a joyful occasion for everyone involved, m'kay?  Next time we'll talk about leaving your guests waiting for 3 hours while you go take your stupid pictures and show up at the reception half in the tank.

Deja Vu All Over Again

I was married back in 1988, the days of big hair and wide lapels.  You have no control over the styles of the day, you're just stuck with what is in vogue.  (I'm still feeling bad for the Leisure Suit weddings of the 70's .....).  Regular readers already know  I have an aversion to weddings, frou frou, and the parade of BS that tends to come along with them.  Even back then  I made choices about our wedding that many would think appalling.  Didn't care then, don't care now.

I came from a big family in the Midwest; the contingent of first cousins on my mother's side numbered about 56 when Grandma McGill died in the early seventies.  By 1988  those cousins had married and multiplied.  (We had a standing joke about having to marry an orphan so we could fit everyone in to the church.)  Rather than going home and having the wedding on my home turf   (as most brides would want)  I opted to get married in Gloucester  to cut down on the numbers.   Seriously.  I wanted a small wedding and my pre-husband promised me he wanted the same.

NOTE: The Sicilian definition of a "small wedding"  is not even remotely close to the Midwestern definition.  We ended up with 140 people, about 100 more than I wanted.

During the planning Joe informed me he had 4 ushers and his brother, Sam, would be his best man.  I gave that the green light, knowing that my two sisters would be my attendants .   (Even then I did not want to responsible for another  parade of badly dressed bridesmaids.)  As the wedding got closer  I asked Joe who his other groomsman would be.  Groomsman?  What is that?  I explained that Pat and Peg each need a groomsman.  Sam would be one and  - who would be the other?

NOTE: Ushers and groomsmen are not synonymous, damnit. Ushers ush - they escort guests and seat them in the church.  Groomsmen escort the bridesmaids. Period. Apparently this is a geographical thing, but ushers at a funeral don't escort bridesmaids at a funeral now do they. Just sayin'.

We had a pretty good fight over this one,  Joe insisting I get more bridesmaids and I insisted he cut loose a few ushers.  It was ugly.  We did not compromise.  (Irish VS.  Sicilian? Are you kidding me?) so during the wedding procession  those four ushers marched solemnly up the aisle looking for all the world like a group of  freakin' pallbearers.

But I digress.

I had a very hard time finding bridesmaid dresses.  I love my sisters and didn't want them wearing some gacky, overpriced  polyester fluff.   Back then I  was in love with polished cotton chintz  but could find nothing even remotely close in a bridesmaid dress.  I chose to do what any woman who has read Gone With The Wind 20 times ( a conservative estimate ) would do -  I went to a great fabric store  and found a lovely Waverley floral chintz.  LOVED it.  Bought a bunch of it, found a dress pattern, mailed it back home to a girlfriend and she sewed up the dresses for my sisters.  In an interesting twist on Scarlett O'Hara,  I made curtains for our main floor powder room out of the remnants.  ( I love balance in the universe. )

Fast forward to a fundraiser last weekend.  The  Text and Textile Extravaganza is a great way for quilters to manicure their stash and then take home more than they manicured.  For a small donation to the museum, you fill up a shopping tote with zillions of fabrics. (It's a little like getting fabric drunk.) I was working on the home dec fabrics when I pulled out some neatly folded yardage that looked.....VERY familiar.  It was Waverley Garden Tour AND  in the exact same color run.  I let out a yelp and modeled it for all the women present. Needless to say I tucked it into my tote bag-o-stash builders and brought it safely home.  Since we're re-doing the upstairs bathroom I will need fabric for curtains, right?  The walls are going to be one of the greens in the print  so it will already match beautifully.  I'm not that crazy about Waverley Garden Tour now, but I absolutely cannot resist a second round of bridesmaid dress bathroom curtains.  Even my husband thought it was pretty funny, and like  Yogi Berra said,  " It's  deja vu all over again!"

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Ban Weddings on Holiday Weekends. Please.

Please, for the love of whomever you hold dear, do not schedule your wedding on a holiday weekend.

Honest. I mean it.

Do you have any idea how many people's long weekends have been  ruined because they know someone who thought the whole universe should come to a screaming halt and accommodate them? You are delusional if you really think everyone invited to your wedding is thrilled to be there (and I don't care where) for your special day.  They are just afraid to tell you.  They are afraid to say, "Listen, we work like dogs, we are tired, and we really look forward to these holiday weekends.  We want to be left in peace, to travel  where WE want to go (or stay home and lock the doors) and not have to spend the time and money to schlep to your wedding  and  sit through another three-day dog and pony show that passes for a wedding these days."

How do I know this? Besides being one of these people,  I live in a place where weddings are happening all the time -  especially around holidays.  I drive past the hotels and see the fatigued looks of your guests, a look that says, "I want to take off  this dress and high heels / suit and tie , pop open a cold one and relax.  RELAX.  Not sit there while you take 400 pictures, play a video of the bride getting her wedding hair done (and her mustache waxed) that morning, not wanting to hear the endless parade of  "and now the Father of the Bride will dance with the third cousin once removed.....".  They would honestly rather open a vein than view some PowerPoint presentation containing 800  photos of you and your beloved, dating from the cutting of your umbilical cords  to the present day.  I hear your guests  when they come in to my husband's store looking for a wedding card (or killing time)  and complaining about the "stupid wedding" and how "we could be up at (fill in the destination here) and enjoying ourselves."

Listen.  Seriously.   I've been going to weddings for a LONG time.  I even paid for my  books in college by singing at weddings, so  I have  been to more than most.  Here is my heartfelt, sincere and sober advice for how to insure a nice wedding:

1.  Do not schedule it on a holiday weekend.  If you need motivation, the surcharge your guests will have to pay on their  air travel and hotels will  definitely impact the quality of gifts you receive.

2.  Make up your guest list. Then cut it in half.  Honest, I already know you are over-inviting and I have never even met you.

3.  Look up the definition of a guest, and how they should be treated.   Really.  It's a concept 95% of weddings do not take into consideration. Email me if you need help with this one.

4.  Keep the church music in the church and the reception tunes at the reception.  Mixing them up (usually crappy pop songs in church) happens more often than you think. Additionally, it gives your guests douche chills.  I am going to burn in hell for singing Anne Murray songs at church weddings in the 80's, I just know it, but I needed the cash.

5.  If you are old enough and mature enough to stand before witnesses and take solemn vows promising your unending love and commitment, then you are too damn old to have stupid props and toys handed out by the DJ at the reception.  (Who, I guarantee you, is playing the music too damn loud.)  If your little friends can't make it through an evening without playing games and wearing stupid hats, rent them a party room at Chucky Cheese and stop by after the reception on the way to your hotel.

6.  Do not, under any circumstances, include those insipid bridal registry cards in your wedding invitations.  The retailers make them up BECAUSE THEY WANT TO MAKE MONEY.  It is tacky and vulgar and thoughtless. If your guests do not know you well enough to ask you where you are registered, please refer back to #2.  If you still  feel the need to dictate what your "guests" will give you, send them an invoice.  Then review #3 again.

7.  About the bridesmaid dresses - they will never, ever, EVER wear them again so just drop the BS and admit you are forcing them to buy some frothy, overpriced  piece of crap because you did it for their weddings.  A level playing field is best, and honesty is a good way to start a marriage.

8.  If you insist on wearing a sleeveless, strapless bridal gown that shows off acres of cleavage   and has some sort of  hooker-corset, lace up back, please have the decency to get a little satin jacket to wear  over your shoulders at the church.  There is nothing demurely bridal about coming up the aisle wearing something that  - in any other color - would look good next to a stripper pole.

There is more (um, much more) but we'll take baby steps here.  Thank you letting me speak for countless people who are this very weekend  trapped at holiday weddings.  They will never tell you these things.....but trust me, this is exactly what they are thinking.