Life in First Class

We have already established how I feel about weddings on holiday weekends so you can imagine my chagrin when I was invited to one such event held this past Memorial Day weekend. When the invitation arrived I felt confidently "off the hook" as the wedding was in Nashville. Case closed, right?

Wrong.  The bride's doting uncles wanted me along for the ride - and the fun - and proposed an all expense paid trip to "Nash-Vegas" for the wedding.  First-class airfare, hotel and EVERYTHING.  How can you say no to THAT?  I sure as hell could not  so I decadently packed a whole suitcase (not having to share space with Joe!) and learned the ways of First Class air travel.  It was like a dream.

The first stop was priority check in where I checked my big honkin' suitcase.... with no fee.  Walked down to the boarding area carrying my only my ticket and a big purse. Boarded first.  Sat in the first row (all 4 segments).  Was treated with courtesy and offered my choice of beverages and nibbles. (Sidebar - I don't drink on airplanes. Bummer.) (Sidebar II - I can't pee on airplanes. Seriously. TMI, I know. )

As a  25 year veteran of flying steerage I found the entire experience A-MAY-ZING. The worst, most hated part of taking a trip became positively pleasant. It made me think back to the long ago days when EVERYONE could check a bag - nay, 2 - without a charge.  When seats and spacing between rows was reasonable. When you could climb in and out of your coach seat without the use of WD-40, a crowbar and a colon compactor.

[caption id="attachment_2601" align="alignleft" width="300"] First Class Hat - Purchased in Nashville![/caption]

I am sure  my next trip will be absolutely miserable by comparison. I resent that. I don't expect the First Class experience with what I can afford but there were  aspects of this trip that were once commonplace to those of us who routinely do the walk-of-shame past the First Class passengers on our way back to the goat pens.

I don't fly much anymore because flying has become such an ORDEAL.  I never fly to New York anymore, I take the train. I'll take a train anywhere, even if it costs more and takes longer.  It's worth it. It is worth it in civility, personal space and fees.  It is especially worth it since you don't have to deal with nimrod TSA agents with a power complex.

The wedding?  The service was lovely and the bride stunningly beautiful. (She spent 2 summers here and I was the pseudo-Aunt).  The soloist sang Schubert's "Ave Maria" which usually reduces me to tears but since she totally American Idol'd it I was left more annoyed than moved. ( Luckily I managed to restrain myself and not stand up and beat a tempo on my leg and yell, "knock off the Mariah Carey shit, girl.")  When Laura came up the aisle on the arm of her Dad I flashed back to my own dear Dad taking that walk with me......and I burst into tears.  Bark-like-a-seal tears. Whatever.   Oh yes, do let me report that  Nashville had RECORD HIGH TEMPS the entire weekend and the reception was not air-conditioned.  Jeebus.  We survived, it was wonderful fun and we all had a fabulous time.  Nashville is a blast - I highly recommend a visit but do it in October or November.....

Bridal Etiquette and the Lack Thereof

It has been a while since my earlier installment of wedding and guest advice/etiquette.  I am reminded of this because as I wound my way around Gloucester's beautiful back shore this morning  I saw some of the hotels setting up those tell-tale white wedding chairs on the front lawn.  I felt sorry for all the people who had to spend the money to schelp to Gloucester only to find out that much of their holiday weekend would be spent not sitting on a beautiful beach, but  sweltering through yet another insufferably long and self-absorbed couple's wedding.

We used to do a booming business in printing formal wedding invitations at my husband's gift shop.  Now people do them on their computers.... you know, the same way you  would for a 3rd grader's birthday party.  As a 22 year veteran of marriage and about 20 years in business working with bridal invitations, I will take up my magic wand, put on my etiquette tiara and bestow some wisdom on engaged couples.

"Why do I have to have printed invitations?  Why can't I do them on my computer - people just throw them away anyway.  Besides,  an e-invite is greener and we really believe in that."

If you are sending invitations to people who are immediately throwing them in the trash you should probably not have invited them to your wedding in the first place, just sayin'.  Also - can you use that same argument about what to feed them?  After all, they are just going to poop it away the next day, so why spend the money on something delicious? Email invitations are lovely - if your guests like helping out Nigerian millionaires or need to buy prescriptions drugs in Mexico, because an emailed wedding invitation should go right in to the spam file.

We have been together for a long time and we just want money for wedding gifts.  How do we put that on the invitation, or let people know?

Send them an invoice.

My mom and my future mother-in-law don't want to wear (insert color here) for the wedding.  I have tried to tell them how important this is, but they say  they look terrible in that color and want to choose their dresses themselves. It's MY wedding and they should wear what I want them to wear, right?

No.   Google the earthquake in Japan, look at some pictures of starving children, check out the situation in Darfur. Those are real problems. These are grown women who are perfectly capable of dressing themselves and have done it for years. Shut up already.

Some of my bridesmaids need to lose some weight - and one of them has a bad dye job.  What is the best way to tell them what I need them to do to get ready for my wedding?

Tell them whatever you like, but follow it up with, "And I promise to get my tubes tied and never reproduce."  Knowing that the BS will die with you will help them grit their teeth and push through the day.

Do I have to write thank you notes?  I am very busy and my boyfriend absolutely refuses to help!

No, you do not have to write thank-you notes. Seriously.  Just return all the gifts. Problem solved!

Okay, but I want the gifts.  How about those pre-printed notes that say something lovely like, "Thank you for sharing our special day - Love  X and X " ?

Nice. Really? Nothing says "screw you" like a form letter. 

We want to have a really lovely dinner for our reception and we're a little nervous that people won't know how much to give to make sure the cost is covered. 

Okay, once again - send them an invoice.  Better yet,  contemplate the proper definition of "guest" and realize the dinner is your gift to them.  While I have your attention, whatever they choose to give you is their gift to you.  You will receive some lovely things, some not-so-lovely things.  The mark of maturity and true love is to acknowledge them with equal enthusiasm and grace.

Okay, that's enough for today.  I am fatigued by answering questions that have no place in civilized society.  Let's all work together to return to the days when weddings were a joyful occasion for everyone involved, m'kay?  Next time we'll talk about leaving your guests waiting for 3 hours while you go take your stupid pictures and show up at the reception half in the tank.

Women's Writes

Women's Writes: Signature Quilts & Stories opened yesterday at the New England Quilt Museum in Lowell, Massachusetts.  I loves me an exhibit opening - not only does a new exhibit go up, but the quilt selections from the permanent collection get rotated. It creates an entirely new "place" to see.  Signature quilts appeal to the deeply sentimental slob that thrives inside me.  These quilts were made for many reasons, some as welcome gifts, others as farewell or thank you gifts, still others to raise money for churches, organizations, or special causes.    This from Christina Inge, our PR goddess/maven:

At a time when women did not have the vote, property rights, or occupational opportunities, and were justbeginning to have beyond-basic literacy skills, creating signature quilts was a chance at self-expression and self-sufficiency. Frequently made as charity fund-raisers, signature quilts gave women a measure of both political and economic independence, enabling them to fund their favorite social causes entirely on their own. Groups of women raised money for temperance, abolition, church renovations, the Red Cross, and women's social clubs by raffling off signature quilts. Many women's groups also signed the quilts they made for troops during the Civil War, often adding patriotic verses to their signatures.

The only problem with opening a new exhibit is that I get completely sidetracked from what I am working on and think I must immediately begin a (fill in the exhibit name here) quilt.  It is a nice problem to have.

Mom's Wedding Dress

My mother was married younger and much shorter than any of her daughters. (We were all taller than she was before we finished high school.)  50 plus years later, her wedding dress was starting to diminish (I like that word better than "decay".) I saved the bodice - it was extremely beautiful, and in marvelous condition. The actual satin train was stained and blotchy, so I decided to make it in to little bits and pieces for her daughters, granddaughters, and now we have great-granddaughters. I think Mom would have loved the idea.