Rebooting My Life

Okay, I'm still messing around with the look of my blog. This indicates...well, you already know.

My life is rebooting.  I didn't push the button or anything, it's just rebooting. Mega heavy conference with my orthopedic/pain doc yesterday (AKA Dr. NomNom because he is HOT!) has left me with a fist full of new prescriptions and the realization that I am not ever going to be as carefree-mobile as I was ever again.  The surgical options were rejected by both of us, him because they are rarely successful and me because I'm DONE with surgery.  (If they gave out frequent surgery miles  I'd be traveling non-stop.)  It's simply degenerative.  There are no do-overs or rewinds or magic cures. Phrases like "managing the pain" and "experimenting with different drugs" are written - with ink - in my file.

So where do I go from here?  What do I do? I need a job.  I can't commute very far, it's physically impossible and consequently rules out a shot at the better paying and more interesting jobs.  I know what I want to do.  I want to do what I've wanted to do all my life. I want to sew. I want to make quilts. I want to make quilts, totes, bags, my funky necklaces (like these), custom quilts for babies, weddings, anniversaries, birthdays.  I want a room in my house where I can walk in every day and be happy that I am there and do what I love.  I have the room. I have the equipment. I have a good stash.  That part is done. I have my husband's shop to sell in, as well as being ready (and able) to set up and market an on-line shop. I even have all the wholesale paperwork and permits because we have them through Joe's store.

I have no idea how to do the rest.

Venture capital would be necessary - the bills still need to be paid while all of this is being sorted out.  I can't see mailing Verizon a nice wall hanging and saying, "Here, this is for July, August and September, I'm trying to get my business up and running, m'kay?"  Frankly no bank around here is going to invest in a home business making "those blanket things" as the Illuminati tend to call quilts.

I'm not getting any younger. In fact, in about 3 weeks I'll be getting another year older. If not now, when do I do this?  I've had it in the back of my mind for ages and ages.  I always thought, "Someday I'll be able to do what I really love."  I have fewer days in front of me than I do behind me. This is probably my last chance to do this. I'm terrified. I'm not sure how to make this happen but I want to close my eyes and jump. No regrets.  I never want to look back at this time and think, "I should have done it then."

So what do I do?  How do I make this happen?   Anyone?  Esty and Twitter peeps who have done this - how did you get started?

Swap Performance Anxiety- Part 2: THE REVEAL

My first online swap - a fun thing people do, and quilters (apparently) do a LOT.  I've never had the nerve until this December when a Twitter peep suggested an online swap. (Please review Swap Performance Anxiety - Part I).

So who did I get?  Some nice quilter in the hinterlands who, like me, had never ventured into the swap arena?  Someone who would, like me, be under the radar?

NOPE.

I got a Zombie.  The Happy Zombie, Monica Solorio-Snow, designer of the fabric line Happy Mochi Yum Yum, "heroin" to many quilters.  I was dealt a published fabric designer, pattern designer - you get the drift.  Sweet merciful crap - you can understand what happened in my colon when I read that name and thought, "What the )#(*&)@(#  am I gonna do for her?"

I ended up chickening out and selecting a few Japanese fat quarters, adding some ribbon in her much-loved colors, and embroidering a little wool bird to satisfy my own need to include something "home-made" in the packet.  Then I tucked it into a cloth wine bottle gift bag I'd made ages ago and put it in the mail.  Then I had a drink.

A few days later, the Twitter feed heated up:

She was lovely.  She was warm and real and kind. I felt ridiculous for being so worked up about doing something for someone so accomplished.  One of the best things about people who do what they love is that they know and appreciate things that other people do for them because they know how much time and thought goes into creating things.  I have on more than one occasion  made dinner for a former chef of  Maison Robert in Boston.  When I confessed my anxiety she said, "You'll never know how much I love it when other people cook for me - it's just a joy to sit back, relax and enjoy the meal."

So there.  Let's all just relax.  Let's just, in the immortal words of Paul McCartney, "Let it be." It's so easy at this time of year to get all up in our heads about what we must do, produce, create and provide.  Let it go.  Let it be.  Rejoice in each other - the days we all have together are not as numerous as we'd like to think, the holidays are numbered and do not to be Martha Stewart TV perfect. (Seriously. Besides, she is loaded and she has paid staff. Who wouldn't be fabulous?)

Rule number one: don't sweat the small stuff. 

Rule number two:  it's all small stuff. 

~Robert Eliot

Swap Performance Anxiety - Part I

We've already covered my anxiety issues with creativity in art, but I've taken it to a new level.  In the world of social media, the online quilter community is alive, well and active!  I ventured in to an online swap organized by an online peep  who threw out the idea of having a secret Santa swap via Twitter. I jumped right on that idea as a great way to venture in to my first-ever swap.   (Disclosure - in the evenings, I sit with my iPad and enjoy an adult beverage while I read through the tweets of like-minded quilters, comics, and others.) These "adult beverages" get me to do things I might not normally do if my performance anxiety fears are not properly repressed.

ANYWAY, I signed up for my first swap.  It took a little time for Amy to sort out the participants (I think there are over 50 of us) and get us all partnered off. There is a $15 limit, it can be hand made or not, and finished and in the mail  by December 10th.  Easy peasy, right?  Right.

Sure. Unless the Secret Santa Swap partner is a quilting uberstar.  Holy crap.  When I saw the name I nearly fell over.  My first reaction was to bail out.  Honest.  What do you do for someone like that?  I spent the first week just spiraling.  I spent the next week attempting to do some sashiko in her favorite colors.  It came out nice, but not "here is something I made just for you" nice, but "what the hell are you on" nice.  I caved in and set it aside. It's not that bad, just not good enough to offer someone with her background.  Crap.  It's just a swap, right?  It's not eternal judgement, right?

In the end, I decided to.....WAIT.  I mailed the package today and I can't really say what it is in it until it is received by my partner.  I'll reveal who it is (and what I sent) in a later post.  In looking at the pictures of what other swappers sent (on a Flickr page) I'm feeling pretty okay about what I ended up doing.  Not great..... but okay.  That's enough for me, the twin sister of Stuart Smalley: